- Well, hello, man. Don’t worry about going to hell, it’s much better here than they say during life! For example, did you smoke in that life?

“I smoked,” the man answers bashfully.

— On Mondays we have a smoking holiday. On this day we do not limit ourselves at all. You can smoke whatever you want. There is also rolling tobacco, cigarettes, luxury cigars, and hookah. We smoke all day and all night long, but lung diseases are not scary, we are already dead! Did you drink alcohol?

“It happened, of course,” the man answers, lowering his head.

- So, on Tuesdays we drink everything that burns: wine, beer, champagne, if you want, there is something stronger: vodka, whiskey, moonshine. It flows like a river! We don’t worry about the liver, we’re already dead! Didn't you indulge in drugs?

“I tried it...” says the man.

- So you’ll have a blast on Wednesday! We have a variety of drugs, from soft drugs to cocaine and synthetics! If we want, we can inject ourselves, but if we want, we can sniff. And we are not afraid of either an overdose or withdrawal symptoms, we are already dead!

What about the female gender?

- It’s okay, I loved this business! – the man clearly cheered up.

- Here we have Thursday, the day of crazy pleasures with women. There are many more of them here than men, the choice is rich. My wife won’t catch me, sexual diseases are not scary - we’re already dead! How are things with men?
A man has gone to heaven, so they show him everything, tell him everything, take him to the best places, etc. So, they tell him, here are Muslims, here are Catholics, here are Buddhists, here are Baptists, and finally they reach the fence and start whispering:
- Shh! - and nod at the fence.
- Why in a whisper? - asks the man.

- Yes, there are Jews here, they think that they are alone here...
A man ends up in the other world and is met by the devil:
- Well, man, you've gone to hell. Just don't worry too much. It's not that bad here! Have you ever smoked in your life?
The man lowers his eyes:
- Well, that means Mondays will be a holiday for you. This is our smoking day. The choice is huge, from pipes and shag to expensive cigars and hookahs. We smoke all Monday, until late at night. And asthma and cancer are not scary - you’re already dead! Did you like to drink?
The man lowers his head:
- Not without it.
- Ooh! Then get ready for the holidays on Tuesdays! We drink all day, from the very morning, from beer and light wines to the strongest drinks: moonshine and alcohol. And don’t care about the liver: you’re already dead! What about drugs?
- Yes, it happened!
- Well, have fun on Wednesdays! For us, this is a day of drugs, from the mildest to heroin and heavy synthetics. If you want, inject yourself, if you want, smoke, and don’t be afraid of withdrawal, or an overdose, or the cops - you’re already dead! What about women?
The man perks up:
- But of course!
- Then you'll have a blast on Thursdays! This is our day of general sex. The fact is that there are 10 times more women in hell than men, and you will have a super choice! And don’t even think about syphilis there - you’re already dead! How are you with men?
The man jumps up:
- No, what are you talking about!
- Hmmm... You won’t like it with us on Fridays!

The man goes to heaven. He's having a blast there. Everything is good: people, food, even women. And asks the archangel:
-Can I take a look at hell with one eye?
They let him look, and there everything is exactly the same, including the landscape, but for some reason people are crying and suffering.
- Why are they all so unhappy? - asks the surprised man.
- Yes, they just think that it’s better in heaven...

What is Paradise? this is the kind of place where all the chefs are French; all tutors are English; all film directors are American; all the housewives are Russian, and the entire administration consists of Germans.
What is Hell? This is the kind of place where all the cooks are English; all tutors are French; all film directors are German; all the housewives are American, and the entire administration consists of Russians.

Angela Merkel dies, she is sent to hell. She stands with her suitcases at the gates of hell, crying. The devil comes out, looks surprised, checks the list and reports that a mistake has occurred and she needs to go to heaven. Merkel, joyful, forgetting everything, runs away. The devil thinks how bad it turned out, she forgot her things. He calls several little devils, tells them to take things to heaven and return them to Merkel. The little devils are lazy guys, while they make it to the gates of heaven, it is already closed until tomorrow. What to do, they have to climb over the fence with all their things. At this time in paradise, on the other side of the fence, one archangel says to another:
- Look, Merkel has only been with us for less than an hour, and the refugees are already in full swing!

A man died and went to heaven, and they say to him:
- You see, man, you lived somehow strangely, and not very righteously, and not
very sinful, so you can choose where you should be - in hell
or in heaven.
The man, understandably, doubted it and suggested:
-Can I have a look first?
- Look.
A man went to heaven, and there it was boring, all the people were somehow disembodied,
drinking nectar, chewing ambrosia, melancholy...
Well, the man went to hell, and there were casinos, variety shows, brothels, taverns, well, no
life, but lafa.
That's it, the man says, I want to live in hell! Here are his devils under his arms and a cauldron with
boiling resin. The guy started yelling: “What, you deceived me, bring it here.”
the most important feature!"
The main devil comes and says to him: “Well, you
man and strange. Don't confuse tourism with emigration!"

A king, a businessman and a logistician went to hell.
The devil comes out and says: “According to the rules of Hell, you have the right to one call, but you will have to pay for it.
The king was given the first call. He calls and asks how things are in the kingdom, in the family. They tell him that everything is fine and after a minute he hangs up. The devil says, Your former Majesty, you are charging 100 thousand dollars for a call.
The king thought that he would die anyway and paid.
The businessman called and asked how things were going in the family, in the company, how was that project, how was that other project, the latest stock market reports? I found out that everything was fine and hung up after 5-7 minutes and the devil said to him: “You have a million dollars.”
The businessman thought, well, what difference does it make now and paid.
The logistician calls: “How is it at the port? Has the vessel been delivered? Unloading? Has the rolling stock arrived? No? Customs... ecologists, SES, squads, pp/pd” - begins to resolve issues. “How are the tires on the car? There’s diesel in the tank, etc...” He talked for about 3 hours, solved all the questions, and hung up. The devil says to him: “You, my dear, 10 dollars 50 cents.”
King with a businessman: How can it be, we talked for a minute or a little more, they took so much money from us, and he talked for 3 hours, he got 10.50?!?!?!?”
“So, your calls were international, and even in roaming. And he had a call from hell to hell, the tariff was local.”

Three men die and go to heaven. The Apostle Peter meets them.
- Well, guys, paradise is big, you can’t get around it, you have to go. Here you are Andrey, you cheated on your wife twenty times. Here's a "Kopeyka" for you, go. You're Igor, you cheated on your wife five times, well done, here's a Ford, go for a drive. Mikhail, you have never cheated on your wife!!! You lived your life like a saint, here's a new Ferrari, you deserve it.
Some time passes, and the two (on the Kopeck and the Ford) see Mikhail crying on the hood of his Ferrari.
- What's happened?
- Well, I met my wife on roller skates...

Don Juan goes to hell. The devil asks him:
- Where do you want to go - to a scary room or a terrible one?
- What's in the scary one?!
He shows him - some scary women - fat, pimply, wrinkled...
- You are tied to a chair in this room - and you must satisfy each of them several times a day...
- And in a terrible way?
He sees several naked blondes with blue eyes walking around in a sexy way in the room... Well, naturally, he immediately lost his head and said:
- I want to go to the terrible one!!!
- Sure?!
- Yeees!!!
At that very second he finds himself tied to a chair and hears a voice from above:
- And in this room your hands and feet are tied and none of them gives you...

An Irish football player dies, finds himself at the gates of heaven, sees a saint with a long beard and keys in his hands, the saint asks him:
- Well, have you done anything good in your life?
The football player answers:
- No, unfortunately for me, I haven’t done anything good. He drank, debauched, fought...
- How, really - nothing good in your whole life?
“Well,” the footballer answers, “except maybe once... I then played for the St. Patrick’s team... we played against the England team, and we played like that, we played like that!” I scored three goals for them!
“Yeah,” says the saint, “this, of course, is not enough, come on, now I’ll open the door a little, you squeeze through and run to heaven, and get lost there, as if you’ve always been there.”
- Oh, thank you, thank you, Saint Peter!
- Shhhh. Saint Peter is on vacation. I am Saint Patrick.

The newlyweds had an accident on the way to church and went straight to heaven to meet God.
“We love each other so much, and we still want to get married,” the newlyweds ask him.
“You are the first here with such a request,” God said and disappeared for three weeks.
Three weeks later he appeared with a priest, who married them. And the newlyweds are unhappy again:
- So, it seems like there is no need for marriage in heaven. Is it possible to get a divorce?
- Don't fool me! I spent three weeks trying to find at least some priest in heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a lawyer in heaven?!

Add your own joke!

A man ends up in the other world and is met by the devil: - Well, man, in...