Do whatever you want. Doing what you want is the only way to live life right

Fuck you all! A wonderful, short and at the same time succinct expression, which every time you say it, even to yourself, makes you a little freer and happier.

Freedom is when you do what you want to do and don’t do what you don’t want to do.

And how many of those who don’t know how to say “no” are the same kind, good and dutiful ones who will always do what you ask them to do and are unlikely to ever refuse.

Some people often burden themselves with unnecessary responsibilities, build some kind of mental obstacles and put themselves in a supposedly hopeless situation. Although in fact they are just afraid to make an independent decision, taking responsibility for their words, actions and possible adverse consequences.

Many guys even get married not of their own free will, not because of their personal, mature decision that they really need it, but only because circumstances supposedly turned out that way. The girl got pregnant, she couldn’t have an abortion, her parents put pressure on her – I had to! Well, what do you mean you had to? Why should you do something you don't want to? After all, if you refuse, you won’t be imprisoned for this, you won’t be killed, you won’t be raped, at most you will incur anger on the part of her and your loved ones.

And here we are not even talking about some kind of morality, about how to act correctly in such a situation. Most often, the only obstacle is the opinion of the parents. The guy is ruining his future just because he is embarrassed and is afraid to say no! But this decision will greatly affect your life; an unnecessary wife and an unwanted child are unlikely to bring joy and happiness.

And it all starts with little things. You are asked to do something, help someone a little, take part somewhere, go somewhere. You understand perfectly well that they simply want to use you as labor, as a spineless creature. You know that they themselves can do what they ask and do not need help at all. Your whole gut is both against it, but you still agree because you’re simply afraid to say “no.” You are embarrassed, you are scared, you are afraid of offending, looking bad, etc.

You are faced with the choice of “say no” or “complete the task.” It is easier for you to do what is asked than to refuse. Doing a lot of actions and body movements, like an obedient slave, seems much more profitable and attractive for you than saying just one word - “no”. Is it normal?

Is it scary to refuse just because you don’t know what reaction will follow? What will he say in response to my “no”, and what will he think, and what will he do? The surest way to get rid of fear is to meet it halfway. You can’t run away from fear; it will always follow you, on your heels. There is no need to run, you just need to turn around and go to him, you will meet and then, everyone will go their own way.

You just have to say “no” once to the person who constantly asks you for something and you will see how it will become much easier and freer for you.

Say “no” as often as possible, do what you want to do, and not what you supposedly need to do. And help only those people who really need it and deserve your help. Otherwise, you will live like this until you are old and only in your old age will you realize that you did not live your life, shared your life with the wrong woman, worked in the wrong job, and did not do what you wanted...

People can be divided into two types: scanners and divers. Divers are those who have chosen one area of ​​interest for themselves and began to develop in it. But scanners have too many interests and hobbies to focus on just one thing. In this book, Barbara Sher shows you how to adapt your wonderful, multifaceted mind to a world that has never really understood who you really are. She will help you find your purpose and become truly fulfilled.

Are you a scanner?

• I can't do anything for long.
• I know I need to focus on one thing - but what?
• I quickly lose interest in things that I thought would occupy me forever.
• I am easily distracted by other interesting things.
• I get bored as soon as I start to understand how something is done.
• I hate doing something twice.
• My interests change all the time, I can’t settle on one thing - and as a result I remain inactive.
• I work in low-paying jobs because I can’t decide what to dedicate myself to.
• It’s difficult for me to choose a field of professional activity - what if I make the wrong choice?
• I think everyone comes into this world for something; everyone has their own purpose - everyone, but not me.
• I can only do something when I have many different things to do at the same time.
• I keep abandoning what I started because I'm afraid of missing out on something better.
• I'm too busy, but when I have free time, I can't remember what I would like to do.
• I will never become an expert in anything. I feel like I'm stuck in a beginner's class forever.

If you've ever said something like this to yourself, there's a good chance that you have a special type of thinking characteristic of people I call scanners. You are genetically different from those who once and for all find an area of ​​interest for themselves and are content with one area of ​​activity. You are attracted to many different things at the same time, and you are trying to fill your life with them. Since in the eyes of others such behavior looks incomprehensible and unusual - even disturbing - you have been told that this is wrong and you need to change. But people judge you incorrectly, and their diagnosis is wrong. You're just a different type of person!

What you consider to be a shortcoming, which must certainly be overcome by an effort of will, is, in fact, an exceptional gift. You have inherited a magnificent, versatile mind that strives to express itself in a world where they do not understand your nature and your behavior.

I can't start!

It's nice to know that I'm a scanner and not just a confused person. But what next? Quit your job and rush headlong into the unknown?

All my plans are lists of never-done things. I spend a lot of time making plans and the next day I plan something else. How to stop planning and start acting?

It's great to learn about yourself that you are a scanner. Just think: the time and energy that went into fighting yourself, wasted on self-accusations, fears and doubts, will now be aimed at building a wonderful future. You are free. Step into the life you've always dreamed of.

But how to take the first step? What is he like? Which goal should you choose? And how can you be sure that it is correct?

It's great to stop blaming yourself for your scanner nature, but from recognizing yourself as a scanner to taking the first step is just as far away as before. Obstacles appear as if from underground, all at once - both fictional and real.

What to do with obstacles?

There are two types of obstacles - imaginary and real. First of all, we will look at imaginary ones, which are generated by incorrect information and emotions. It’s much easier with real obstacles - we’ll talk about them a little later. So, let's start by looking for imaginary obstacles. It is necessary to analyze them and fully understand them in order to prepare for meeting real obstacles. It is very easy to make imaginary obstacles disappear.

History Lane

Lane, an executive secretary at a local trucking company, admitted:

I can't get down to business. I never go further than thinking about what I would like. I keep writing endless lists of possibilities in about a dozen different directions I could go, but I never take action. After all, I won’t risk leaving my job and throwing myself headlong into the unknown, so what’s the point of starting something?

Wow, what a throw! - I shook my head. - From the desk and fantasies - and straight into the abyss. If I had only one choice: write lists or quit my job for who knows what, I wouldn’t be able to decide either. But here's the question: who said you only have two options?

What others? - Lane asked.

What if you hold on to your current job while testing the waters?

There was a pause.

“I don’t even understand what you’re talking about,” the girl admitted.

Forget about taking a leap into the unknown. After the work day is over, go in search of the information you need. Leave the world you know and wander around the world that interests you. Find sites based on your interests; find out if any are planned in the near future

conferences you can attend. Ask your librarian to select specialized journals on subjects that interest you and read them carefully. Find forums and communities, participate in discussions with people who are already in the subject. There is no risk, and you can learn more about what attracts you. You need to inject a little real life into your lists and plans.

A lot of people (and especially scanners) get stuck for the same reasons that Lane did. This is one of the cruelest jokes that our fears can play on us: we forget how many completely safe steps we can (and should!) take before burning bridges behind us.

You object: “But if I don’t rush forward, I’m afraid I’ll never move.” Well, you are wrong. Nice gestures look good in fantasies, but when it comes down to it, most of us are not so reckless. We have seen what happens to reckless people, or even experienced it ourselves. Therefore, while the risk is great, we do not push ourselves to move - no, we force ourselves at all do nothing.

Making lists and plans without having up-to-date information is just a continuation of fantasies about “what to do.” Dreaming with a pencil in hand over a piece of paper with plans - for many scanners, such leisure becomes a way of life. In fact, it is a way of avoiding any action when the dream seems impossible. And completely different - real planning, with specific facts, tasks, deadlines. Such a plan is an action in itself.

So how do you move from jotting down ideas to actually taking action? Let's look at Lane as an example. One of her ideas: create an online intermediary firm for small-town recycling businesses - a centralized information exchange where they can receive information about technological innovations and legislation, and perhaps keep in touch with each other. The idea was born when Lane collaborated with one of these enterprises and saw with her own eyes how such an information structure was missing.

But I have plenty of other ideas, completely different ones,” she said. - But there are too many of them!

Let’s discuss this one first,” I suggested. - There is a great way to create a plan that will force you to take action. Once you understand the principle in one example, you can apply it to everything else. Don't take this too seriously, just treat it as a test run. OK?

I’ll try,” she clearly hesitated, but nodded.

Action. Just the thought of him makes many of us freeze. If you are a scanner and are convinced that in order to take any action you will have to give up other aspirations, your reluctance to move forward is understandable. But, as you already know, no one demands such a choice from you. However, even understanding this intellectually, it can still be difficult to start the engine and drive out of the gate.

You probably also faced the problem of which goal to choose first. I repeat again and again: it doesn’t matter which one. This is just a taste of the pen. To learn how to bring a plan to life, you need to choose any one right now and practice.

Once this barrier is removed, you may run out of excuses, but I know that many will still be hesitant and not ready to take the first step. Lane, however, always prided herself on being rational.

If I could get my plans in order, of course I would move forward. But there is so much to take into account.

Tell me what do you think about this? “I handed her the letter I received this morning.

She put on her glasses.

Barbara!

These are the obstacles I have. What if I write a book and no one buys it? What if I offer my services to search for information? But then I’ll have to go and “sell” myself to different people, and I don’t like to communicate, so that means I won’t do this? What if no one buys my photos because they are so easy to get lost in the sea of ​​other photos? What if I studywebmasters, will technology change and I will be out of work? I'm trying to find something to do that suits me 100%, but I get caught up in all the "what ifs...". I am paralyzed by my analytical mind - the very talent I most counted on. What should I do?

Lane put the letter down and looked at me.

In my opinion, the guy is screwing himself over. You think I do the same thing, right? So even if I develop a great plan, I’ll still back down?

“I don’t know,” I answered. - But look: you assume that you must definitely leave a safe job and rush into the abyss, and the risk is very high, right? So high that the first step seems simply impossible?

Yes, probably,” she said thoughtfully.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Moving towards a goal is always scary. Most of us are ready to do anything to protect ourselves from this fear: “I want to work with animals, but I need to get a specialized education, so I’ll have to change my job so that I have time to study, but then I won’t have enough money and I’ll have to look for cheaper housing.” , but I can’t do it until I pay off the loans...” - and stuff like that. We build so many obstacles that we will never even have a small aquarium with a goldfish.

Lane smiled, and to further encourage her, I said, “Even the European Union is doing this,” and handed her a funny clipping from the Washington Post that I had saved once. In Robert Kaiser's article “Innovation will enable Finland to better imagine its future. Economics offers a new model for old Europe" it said:

At present, said Himanen, a young Finnish intellectual, Europe resembles a once great athlete who has lost his form. Instead of getting down to business, the athlete sits at his desk and writes strategic plans to get her back: “I could run. I could swim."

Sometimes it seems that this is the European logic: “When I get back into good shape, then I’ll start working out.”

While she was reading the article, I thought about how difficult it is sometimes to move from thinking to action and how many reasons we find to avoid it. Of course, not only scanners exhibit analysis paralysis syndrome, but their problem is also multiplied by the number of targets.

Muriel. At the beginning of the week, I vowed to choose the top three things I want to do before the end of the year. But these three things kept changing! Before I knew it, I had a list of eight main things. If it continues to grow like this, I won't do anything at all!

Ketchel. How much do we have to wring our hands, whine and pull before we find the strength to move towards our goal? Why do so many of us wait for the impossible - as if every passing interest can turn into a high-paying career, and put it off until we figure out how to make practical use of it? What if we could just do what we want without mental turmoil and anxiety getting in our way?!

Good question. So what's the problem?

Taking action is a big step

Human defense mechanisms are designed to anticipate danger. This does not work for small children, so they need constant supervision. With age and experience, caution increases. Teenagers can be reckless, young adults can be brave, but none of them pose as much of a threat to themselves as babies. The more you know about trips and falls, the more careful you can be.

This would be the answer to Ketchel's question if we were talking about real risk, but why are the same precautions included where there is not the slightest risk? Why does a person hesitate to write a novel or come up with a fashion line just for himself? Because once fully formed, human defense mechanisms kick in every time you are about to step into the unknown. Protective mechanisms against bungee jumping - this makes common sense. But they don't want you to sing in front of an audience in your living room. Why? There's no point anymore.

The defense mechanism is a powerful and primitive thing; it perceives everything new as a threat to survival. Whether our defense mechanisms are right or wrong, they work and influence our lives.

However, if you obey all the stupid prohibitions of defense mechanisms, you will never do anything interesting at all. So, the new venture is not threatening and you really want to start doing something. How to decide to take the first steps? There is a practical three-step system that will miraculously overcome your inertia.

Three magical steps

If you are a scanner who only thinks but does not take action, here are three simple steps. Every time you need to act, perform them consistently - and the result is guaranteed.

Step 1: Learn a new way to plan(reverse planning flowchart), which will not replace action, but will push you to take real steps.

Step 2: Use this chart to identify hidden fears. that are preventing you from getting to the point, so you can take steps to reduce the danger.

Step 3: Installreal deadline, for which you must be prepared. At that time, you will meet with the person who provides you with stress-reducing support. Having to be accountable will force you to move forward even under stress.

These three steps, taken in a row, will transform you from a master planner and great dreamer into a man of action. They work great.

Let's see what Lane accomplished with these three steps when she decided to start pursuing a practical goal.

In my experience, I said, taking action is much less scary than constantly beating around the bush and not starting.

“I believe,” Lane nodded. “But I also know something else: it’s unlikely that anything good will come out if you start without preparing.”

“Me too,” I assured and presented her with the first magical step: reverse planning flowchart.

Backward planning scheme, “success teams” and real deadlines

This is my version of the flowchart, which I developed when I was preparing my very first seminars in 1975. (It appears in my first book, “Dreaming Isn’t Harmful: How to Get What You Really Want,” which is still a success today, thanks in part to the flowchart idea. A detailed description of the original reverse planning flowcharts given in this book.)

I found that the graphs and flowcharts used in various organizations were too difficult to understand and use, so I started with a clean slate. I drew a circle, wrote the end goal in it and asked myself:

“Can I achieve this goal right now? If not, what needs to be done before that? And she continued to draw circles with goals written in there, working backwards, asking herself the same two questions and adding circles with goals again, until she got to a step that could be taken immediately. I brought a large arrow to this circle with the inscription: “Now!”

The process of such planning pulled me out of my chair and forced me to do the first real steps towards the goal - and this was not an easy task. I was very proud of my idea. In addition, I was inspired by the thought that now I could get anyone out of a dead end who was stuck on the path to the goal.

I got a small group together and we tried out the backward planning flowchart. Having chosen a simple topic - preparing an imaginary dinner party, I told them: “So, we need to organize a dinner for twelve people. Can we do this tomorrow evening? If not, what needs to be done before that?” We drew a diagram on the board, noting that we should first invite guests, buy groceries, and prepare food. To complete these steps, you need to find phone numbers and create a menu. It was not only very fun, but also very simple - anyone could do it. I saw that the scheme had great potential and I couldn't wait to start using it. But when, back in 1976, I began to introduce this technique at the first seminars with “success teams,” the reaction was not at all what I expected.

At first, the seminar participants spent several hours helping each other find fun ways to achieve their goals. There was a lot of laughter and a sense of dizzying possibilities lurking everywhere. Everyone was having a great time and looked at me cheerfully, waiting for me to continue.

As planned, I said:

Now let's get down to reality. I want each of you to set a goal and choose an approximate date for achieving this goal. Let's say you want to perform a song at an open mic night at a local club in three months.

Everyone listened enthusiastically as I drew a circle in the right corner of the board with chalk.

“To come to a club and sing,” I continued, “requires several things. You need permission from the club owner and you need to know how to sing, right?

The audience nodded, watching with interest as I drew arrows to two circles and entered “permission” in one and “ability to sing” in the second.

Now, to get permission, you need to talk to the owner,” I drew another line and drew a new circle. - And to talk to the owner, you need to find a club. Can you find a club that hosts open mic nights?

Almost everyone nodded affirmatively.

Can this be done tomorrow, or are there other steps that need to be taken? - I continued.

“It’s easy,” one woman replied. - Look in the directory and select a club.

Great,” I agreed. - So, we are done with this line in the diagram. You have a step that can be taken tomorrow. Now let's go back to the beginning and take a look at the second item you'll need. To perform a song, you need to be able to sing.

As in the first case, moving in the opposite direction - from the goal to the very first step, I wrote out the entire path, including the need to find a teacher and choose a song.

When I finished, I saw that I had made a great impression on everyone, that I seemed terribly smart to my listeners, and that I was very pleased with my excellent invention. Then I suggested that everyone take a piece of paper and draw the same diagram for one of their goals. In about twenty-five minutes. As the participants took up their pens, I began to look through my notes. After a few minutes, I suddenly got the feeling that something strange was happening in the room. Looking up, I discovered that no one was laughing or smiling anymore. Moreover, no one writes. I watched this for a minute and then asked:

Is there something wrong?

Everyone looked at me, their faces were alarmed - I felt terrible. Finally one woman raised her hand:

It's no longer fun. It's starting to scare me. The others nodded.

I realized that the listener was right. What I thought was a wonderful, rational way to move from words to action turned out to be too powerful a medicine. It forced action where people were still playing the game.

I really didn’t want to lose the momentum that had been achieved, and to relieve the tension, I told a few funny stories that made the participants laugh. Then she divided them into teams of six people and established that they should call each other every evening and meet with each other weekly. When they felt calmer, I showed them how to make their first steps very tiny and not scary, so that the fear would finally subside.

Note that I didn't tell them to "think positively" - I don't think that works. We talked about this in the chapter “Scanner Panic”: in order to calm your fear, you need to reduce the level of danger.

Once the participants realized how small the first steps would be, and realized that each step would be accompanied by the support of the team, they stopped worrying. By the end of the workshop, everyone was again excited about their ideas and looking forward to meeting their teammates again. Many years later, I still received letters from members of the first “success teams” about their wonderful achievements.

I have never forgotten the lesson I learned that day. There is a huge difference between making lists and plans in general - and actually scheduling any practical steps. It is not easy. It is always a shock to the system of your life. To keep moving forward, you will need many new techniques and tools.

For example, you should set a due date for each step along the way to your goal. A calendar without scheduled dates is like tennis without a net. (If no one else knows about the deadlines, there is a danger that you will ignore them.) Someone else's support plus the need to report will create real deadlines. Let me give you a letter that perfectly illustrates my point.

Before, I didn’t understand an important thing: support helps overcome resistance. I was too isolated from other people. I now see that my ups and downs are closely related to whether I had a support system at the time. I think structure is key to why I enjoy work. A salary is a kind of built-in motivator that helps you concentrate, and a boss is a support system. All this motivates me to work.

I also really enjoyed my time in college full time. I think the main reason was that I had a schedule, assignments were due, and had a great support system. My best friend then also quit his job and returned to college, and every day we walked to classes together, encouraged each other, listened to lectures together. In my biology class, I joined a coed group (great thing!), we met at my house, and of course, these people were a great support group.

Is there such support in your life? Every time I meet a person who is unable to move, it turns out that he was trying to pull off the whole plan alone.

We are not made for this. Left to our own devices, we often shy away from actions and fool ourselves so as not to notice how we are avoiding them.

Isolation is detrimental to dreams. In isolation it is impossible to move forward.

The seminars I mentioned above were designed specifically to create “success teams.” They were (and still are) extremely successful. When it comes to making your dreams come true, nothing beats weekly meetings and team support. If you can't join such a team or create your own, find one teammate or reach out to a coach and schedule regular meetings with them. Knowing that there is someone waiting for news from you will relieve tension and force you to get down to business.

(While we're on the subject, don't forget about efficiency calendar-diary. There you book a visit to the dentist. If you don't mark it on your calendar, your trip to the doctor won't happen. Enter every meeting with a coach or your friend there. This stimulates: you will not forget that you must complete part of your plan, because they are waiting for your report by a certain day.)

I remembered here a story from a long-ago seminar for three reasons. First, the reverse planning flowchart is a very useful tool, and sharing how it came about is a good way to teach you how to use it. Secondly, you may be avoiding actions without even realizing it, and the backward planning flowchart will shed light on your hidden fears (nothing is more successful at bringing out monsters into the light than a backward planning session). Third, I want you to know: the immediate action perspective is choosing steps and establishing real deadlines with your “success team” will banish all fears. Talking about fears will lead you nowhere - only active action will dispel them.

Getting out of the dead end

So, just for the sake of experimentation, draw a backward planning diagram, moving backwards from your goal, step by step, until you get to something that can be done tomorrow. It doesn't matter how small those first steps are.

While you are drawing circles and drawing arrows, listen carefully to yourself. What are you experiencing? Do you like these first steps towards breaking the deadlock? Or are you frozen to your chair out of fear?

Let's see what happened to Lane when drawing up the scheme. She decided to practice her idea with processing plants.

I’m not sure that this particular project should have been implemented first,” she explained. - But you need to choose at least something, otherwise I won’t start anything at all.

Over the next week, she spent three or four lunch breaks and evenings after work searching the Internet for information on the topic and taking notes.

At the next meeting, Lane said:

I was ready to make a PowerPoint presentation to feel businesslike and respectable, but then I realized that taking notes in a notebook is just as good and it will create the right mood when I present the idea.

She also found the phone numbers of people she worked with when she volunteered with the city's recycling program, and picked a target date from her calendar for a meeting at her home. Lane showed me her notes.

Solid, I said. - We can start.

I don’t know...” she answered. - I have serious doubts about this matter.

It seems that it is not as important to me as I thought,” Lane tried not to look me in the eyes.

Do you have any concerns?

No! - she exclaimed. - We're not talking about skydiving. Just a meeting at my house to talk.

I nodded in agreement.

And you call the meeting. So, you’ll start by explaining what it all is and what it’s about?

Well, yes,” the expression on her face changed slightly. After a moment's silence, she continued:

You know, they could have already figured out how to solve these problems. It would be pretty stupid if it turns out that I don't know about it. It would be worth checking first. “She looked at me and added: “It seems that processing plants don’t bother me anymore.”

But this is unexpected. What unpleasant moment have you just presented, Lane?

I imagined that they were looking at me like I was an idiot,” she admitted. - After all, I don’t know these people very well, but they are all competent. And I? How will I look next to them?

Well hello... Are you kidding me? You know very well that you are an intelligent and capable person. After all, you yourself have told me this more than once.

She smiled weakly.

I'm afraid. Well, who am I to them? An upstart from the outside? What if they laugh at me? God, I didn't even think about that.

Are they such unpleasant people? Or from some closed club?

Not really. Pleasant, friendly. Actually, that’s why I became so actively involved in their program then. Oh, it seems my childhood has caught up with me. I mean, my fear comes from my childhood. Well, you have to! I am and I am afraid.

She looked much less stressed now.

You know, I think I should call one of them to help me with my plan. If we work together, I'll have to finish everything already. It’s just like friends come to pick you up in the morning to take you out for a run - like it or not, you go.

Lane went through all three stages of magic. She first used a backward planning framework to map out the first steps. Then her fears came to the surface, and she reflected on them in order to know their nature and reduce the danger. Then I moved on to the last point: I decided to cooperate with a friend in order to receive support and report on my achievements to real deadlines.

Research into reality, or the end of the debate

If you are stuck in doubts like “what if...” and can’t get rid of them, there is a way to turn your idle thoughts into useful ones. I called this technique reality research.

Instead of constantly debating whether your idea is good or not - and, it should be noted, such internal debates do not end on their own - go for real answers, as the famous scanner Ben Franklin liked to do.

He knew well: no matter how much you read and think about electricity, it is not enough. Eventually you'll have to go out into a thunderstorm and fly a kite to test the lightning rod idea.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that you walk in a thunderstorm, but I strongly advise you to follow Franklin's example: tear yourself away from your desk and go outside, exploring reality. You can always guess how many teeth a horse has, but it's better to find a horse, open its mouth and count.

Here's how it works reality research.

Let's say your inner risk analyst is tormenting you with the question: “What if I write a book and no one likes it?” Don't immediately use this as a stop sign, but ask yourself: "What is the best way to find out about this?" And then go and get some answers.

Actually, that’s all, it couldn’t be simpler. If you get into the habit of asking yourself this additional question, you will take action. And these will not be reckless actions, like jumping off a cliff (you are smart enough not to do that), but these will be actions leading to real answers.

Let's return to our example about the demand for a book. Possible answer: “We should show people excerpts and see if they like it.”

Great, important answer. To show someone a passage, you will need a chapter from a book that has not yet been written. To write at least a chapter, you need to come up with a plan and outline what your book will be about. This, along with the text of one chapter, can already be shown. I do this myself. The process I just described is called “creating a book proposal.”

Therefore, to solve the problem “What is the best way to get an answer?”, action is required. You won't achieve anything with any mental tricks. All the magic is in action.

Try this method on your project. Give yourself a clear deadline. (Involve a friend to reduce the level of danger and prevent yourself from acting out. A friend can help if necessary.)

Then work on the idea so you can present it to someone.

Will this provide a definitive answer? Of course not, but it will definitely pull your project out of the ditch and put you on the right track where you can start working on it for real. After all, you wanted this, remember?

That's the secret - everything you need to move from planning to starting to work on your idea. Let's quickly review what steps are needed.

• Choose right now, this minute, one goal “for training.”
• Create for her reverse planning flowchart and write above each circle the approximate time frame for completing the corresponding stage.
• Check if there are any “holes” in the diagram - missing steps or gaps in information; and maybe fears that can stop you.
• If they are, carry out reality research and get the answers you need.
• Get a buddy or any version of a “support team” so that you can regularly report to them on your real deadlines.
• Take the first step.

I guarantee that after you take real steps towards your training goal, your attitude towards action will change forever. Not only will your point of view change, you will change yourself. Instead of getting caught up in the “but what if” game, you will look for answers in reality. But, in addition, this workout will solve the mystery of what stopped you before: 1) why it is so difficult to start and 2) how to start, no matter what.

On the day the meeting was supposed to take place, Lane called me. She teamed up with a woman she knew better than the rest, and together they prepared a list of phone numbers and created a “call script” so that the first minutes would go smoothly. Then they divided the list among themselves and called everyone.

They're coming tonight,” Lane said. - I'm terribly nervous. What if they decide that my idea is stupid. Although they are good people, maybe they won't think so. And the woman who helped me - we really became friends - she will also be at the meeting. In general, I reduced the level of danger as best I could.

Well done, Lane! The transition from desires to action is a big step. Of course he's scary.

Well yeah, I'm still a little scared. But you forgot to say one thing!

Which one?

About how great it is to finally start taking action! After all, in any case, something will happen.

Start small, start immediately

Actually, the moral is this: start small... but start immediately. Think through the project backwards to the first steps, involve a friend or organize a team and take the first, small steps. This is the most difficult stage. Once you get out of your stupor and start moving forward, albeit very slowly at first, the hardest part will be behind you. With the support of a friend or team, feeling like you're accountable to them, you'll be able to expand your steps. Make a call, schedule a meeting, write a letter, even give a speech. Once you take action, everything will change.

The article will offer you one simple and beautiful solution on how to avoid suffering and at the same time solve many problems.

This article is addressed to those people who continue to experience suffering. At the end of the article, a practical way will be given on how to eliminate all suffering in your life today.

Suffering is a signal that it’s time to change something

If you don’t drink or smoke, but you still have internal suffering, this is a sure signal that it’s time to change something.
In sobriety, there is no longer the opportunity to escape into the alcoholic world and use other addictions. Therefore, you begin to feel more clearly and acutely that you are not satisfied with life, and therefore you experience suffering.

Awareness of the source of suffering.

1. The first thing you should start with is to understand what events and aspects of life cause internal discomfort and suffering.
2. Second, you need to figure out how to avoid these things in your life that are causing suffering. It is to come up with and draw up a specific plan on how this can be done.
3. Third, start gradually taking action to change your life.

If you don’t like your job, you need to figure out how to change jobs or how not to work at all.
If you don’t like the place where you live, you need to figure out how to live where you want.

Stop doing what you don't want to do.

The main goal is not to find what you want. It's about gradually stopping doing what you don't want to do. You can start with seemingly insignificant things:
stop living up to the expectations of loved ones,
stop pretending to be good
stop doing what you don't like.
This will allow you to minimize suffering in your life.

If you don't like something, you should try not to do it. I don’t know how, but you need to introduce this into your life to become real.

The suffering you are experiencing now is because you HAVE to do something you don't want to do - and this is desensitizing you.

You can't even feel what you really want.
Therefore it is necessary get rid of suffering and gradually stop doing what you don't want to do.
When you " you are suffering“, endure those conditions that are disgusting to you, your sensitivity is at a low level, and all the good opportunities that come to you (and they do come to you, rest assured), you successfully miss.

Listen to your soul

Try to listen to your soul more clearly. She is the one who knows what you really want.
If you simply ignore the urges of your soul, your sobriety will not be of high quality and suffering will not go away.
The path of sobriety is the path of the soul.
By listening to your soul, you make your life better.

Fear prevents you from getting rid of suffering

You will have a fear of change, because you are not used to changing something. You are used to doing anything: running away, ignoring, but not changing your life. Change is always scary, but it is necessary. Change is growth.

Will anyone think what I will live on? Surely I might die of hunger?
Nothing like this.
A person who leads a completely sober lifestyle has no other addictions, his nose goes strictly with the wind, and he will never become poor, because he will smell and use every opportunity, since every time he consults with his soul.

Illusory values

It is necessary to abandon external values ​​such as:
money,
cars,
clothes,
smartphones,
show off.

In pursuit of illusory values, you will lose yourself and your happiness. And suffering will not go away.
I recommend putting true values ​​at the center of your life:
self-realization,
Liberty,
Love,
happiness,
healthy relationships (with a loved one, with society, with oneself).

No material value will give you spiritual satisfaction and relief from suffering. No amount of career achievements, success at work, large sums of money, or status will cover your inner pain. Besides, your soul, which is millions of years old, is absolutely not interested in these external trinkets.

Work is a source of suffering

For example, you work and perhaps even earn good money.
If your work brings you joy and satisfaction, you can be a completely happy person.
But if you feel daily suffering and are very unsatisfied with your job, you need to do something about it.
Of course, you shouldn’t throw your application on your boss’s desk tomorrow. But it is necessary to plan for changes.

Auto-improvement of other areas

If you gradually stop doing what you don't want to do, it will solve many of your problems.
Due to the fact that your sensitivity increases, you will hear your soul better. And make the best decisions, both in your life and in the field of finance, setting goals and choosing decisions.

Intrinsic value

If you don't do something you don't like, it increases your self-esteem.
And healthy self-esteem is the foundation of relationships.
To build a good relationship, you need to respect and value yourself.

Refusal of suffering leads to:

1. You gradually begin to love yourself because you will not arbitrarily humiliate yourself;
2. If you love yourself, you will automatically love other people;
3. And then others will be able to love you;
4. If you value yourself, you can easily find your soulmate and build a healthy relationship.

Your hobby

Moreover, giving up suffering is fundamental if you want to pursue and develop what you enjoy. You will be able to develop your hobbies and interests, which by default require high sensitivity.

Where to start to get rid of suffering

Start with the little things:
If you don’t want to wash the dishes, don’t wash them,
If you don't want to clean up, don't clean up!
If you want to sleep longer on the weekend, sleep at least until the evening!

Don't think that you can turn into a lazy person. It only seems so. When you are satisfied with the primary desires, you will do, create, create, add, but at a much more effective level than if you did it against the backdrop of suffering.
This is the shortest and most direct path to happiness.

People who managed to get out of suffering were able to truly realize themselves in life. These include great scientists and poets, artists and inventors.
People who clearly heard their souls.

You may forget everything that was written in this article, but remember at least these 2 things:

To get rid of suffering and achieve a comfortable state, you need to do the following:

1. Get rid of all addictions (alcohol, smoking, overeating, gambling addiction),
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.

Very simple formula.
Why do so many people suffer and not enjoy life? Because few people follow these 2 simple steps.
So lead a sober lifestyle and listen to your soul. And you will be happy!

Read: 1,572

We learn the word “must” very early. Back in childhood. Mom says we need to put away the toys. Then I have to go to kindergarten. Study. Clean up. Be smart, good, etc. Growing up, we find ourselves at the mercy of the same demand. And we involuntarily begin to wonder how to do what we need, and not what we want, without moral rejection of this idea. It turns out that the recipes are quite simple.

Let me tell you right away: there is no magic pill. Not stocked. But there are working tips that will help make life easier. In essence, these are small steps that every woman can take - a leader, a housewife, a mother, a grandmother. Doesn't matter.

These are recipes for reducing everyday negativity, as well as for “should” things to automatically turn into “want” things. With a little help from you.

Let's see how to do what you need, not what you want!

Do it quickly and don’t put it off until later

In essence, it is adapted for household chores and work concerns.

Need to mop the kitchen floor? We take it and rub it.

Wash the plate? One minute!

To make a call? Ain moment!

There is no need to strive for quality and approach everyday concerns with the zeal of a perfectionist. You just have to do it. And hence the second rule!

Doing what you need to do, not what you want, “carelessly”

Not literally, of course.

But only “for show”. Sometimes we find ourselves in complete ruin just because we don’t do things “somehow.” As a result, they accumulate, accumulate, accumulate. And they turn into a huge pile of to-dos, which is impossible to even unload onto paper. And we? We fall into the abyss of stress, time pressure and do not have time to do anything.

To prevent this from happening and to prevent things from causing rejection, we allow ourselves to do them “anyhow.” The main thing is to do it.

This approach significantly reduces the level of anxiety and allows you to realize that doing what you need, and not what you want, is quite simple.

Come up with a reward

A pleasant bonus waiting at the end of an unpleasant task will lift your spirits and help you come to terms with the process.

You just don’t need to plan anything big. Choose a reward comparable to “should”. It could be:

• a piece of chocolate;
• a cup of coffee;
• calling a friend;
• access to social networks;
• playing with children;
• walk;
• episode of your favorite movie.

You can come up with many options. The main thing is that they evoke positivity and are not time-consuming.

Otherwise, it will be strange if for one washed plate the reward is a two-hour movie!

No deadlines

Yes, the time factor is important for any task. But to fulfill absolutely unloved “musts”, you can cancel this item.

Quite the contrary!

Set yourself the goal of doing everything at the rhythm that is most convenient.

It’s better to have the job done superficially and 90% than to drive yourself into nerves and stress.

In my time…

If you have the opportunity to choose the time to do the “must”, then it is better to use it. Often we are visited by impulses while doing other things - to be distracted by something else.

Take a break from creative work and think...

Give your eyes a break from a book or movie...

Relax your brain with physical work...

Just switch from one to another...

During such phases, when there is a need to change activities, it is very convenient to remember about things to do. And carry them out. This helps to shift your focus, relax and lift your spirits.

Where to get cases? Afterwards they should be collected in one place and available for viewing.

What other recipe can you give? Do what you need, not what you want, in a positive way!

The more positive emotions we experience, the easier everything that is difficult, unloved, boring and important becomes.

Well, in very advanced cases, you can remember about it and safely take it into service!